Gifts and Drama's of 2013

Isn't this scary - a whole year has passed since the last time that I created a page.
So much has happened in this 'short' time. In my last blog I made mention of something BIG that was going to happen - that of course was that my lovely daughter was pregnant and has since given birth to my precious grandchild - Chase Leonard Cowan. He is the apple of my eye at the moment. So innocent - yet already learning how to manipulate and wrap people and situations around his tiny little finger.

On the other front, the past month has been terrible. My mom has been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. All started with a sore arm / shoulder. The GP was giving cortisone and Voltaren injections and the pain just carried on. Eventually I decided to take her to see a Neurosurgeon - and then after doing an MRI, my world crumbled when they told me that there was a tumour sitting in her neck.  With loads of other test being done it is confirmed that there is cancer in her neck (bones), lungs and adrenal glands. To date they have not been able to tell us when the primary cancer is located - these sites are all secondary. She has started radiation this week - but this is basically palliative care to try to control the pain and give her some quality to life. The future prognosis is not good - so for anyone who reads this, no matter where you are - or who you are - please say a prayer.

So many people say that we are never given more to deal with than we are strong enough to handle - wow - I feel that I am hanging on with the tips of my seriously bitten fingernails...
I escaped to work for a few minutes today to try to catch up on emails and prepare for my show house tomorrow - but I can physically escape, but emotionally I am not here... how is it possible to feel so helpless. I have always tried to be there for everyone, be the strong one holding everything together - but at the moment it is so damn hard !!!

Mid Year Crisis ??

When I was talking to my life coach this afternoon she asked me, "What do you do for you?". That was a difficult question to answer - because I don't do much for me... I do things because of me, and in a way for me - because it makes me happy when everyone around me is happy and content...but what do I do FOR me..... ?? still to be figured out.
Can you believe that it is already June?  I can't - the year has moved and I have stayed.... Or so I think... All I can say is WATCH THIS SPACE..... something big is happening - to those who know and (hopefully) love me and my family..... I hope the support and love remain. I said to someone this week - you can either accept or reject..... which one will you do ??? I choose life and accept..... xxx

Why Worry? Worry Worry

I was asked by someone to ask myself - "How does worrying serve me?", "What would be possible otherwise?" and "What would then be available?"

 Really hard questions when you need to think about real answers. I know that I constantly worry - I need to know where my kids are at all times, who they are with and just generally reassurance that they are safe. The same applies to my mom and to Craig. I am not spying or lack trust, I just need to know that they are safe...

Then I ask myself, why?? I know the answer to the question - it goes back to 27th and 28th March 2006, which was the worst time of my life. The day when my beloved brother passed away and 24 hours later my grandfather. I realized how quickly life can change and since then I have this absolute fear of more people being taken from me in the blink of an eye. I worry about everything and I worry for everyone. I have always being a great one in telling others - Don't worry - 90pct of what you worry about is not going to happen and the other 10percent - there is nothing you can do about it anyway... So why do I worry so much...?

Wikipedia says "Worry is thoughts, images and emotions of a negative nature in which mental attempts are made to avoid anticipated potential threats.^[1] As an emotion it is experienced as anxiety or concern about a real or imagined issue, usually personal issues such as health or finances or broader ones such as environmental pollution and social or technological change. Most people experience short-lived periods of worry in their lives without incident; indeed, a moderate amount of worrying may even have positive effects, if it prompts people to take precautions (e.g., fastening their seat belt or buying fire insurance) or avoid riskybehaviours (e.g., angering dangerous animals, or binge drinking).

Excessive worry is the main component of generalized anxiety disorder."

This is scary - more reasons to worry... :-)

OK - so this has been a bit of a mental awareness to me. In future less worrying - Why? - because I need to throw out some positives to the universe. If I worry less then perhaps I will be more positively proactive. The only thing that I am getting from worrying at the moment is more stress than I am capable of handling. So many doom thoughts and feelings - more positives now.... 

In answer to the last question posed to me - What would then be available? - more positive emotion and a feeling of giving others more responsibility and accountability. 

So my dear friends - who might be spending a minute reading this blog - (that i don't advertise) - keep reminding me that I am not looking to be classified as having an "anxiety disorder"... Love ya all madly !!!.. 

Frustrations of an Eight Year old

Isn't it amazing how a simple thing can really get people worked up. I am sitting with Sheldon at the moment - he is doing exercises following on the X-box. The Kinect sensor does not read all of his movements and then tells his that he has left the area. Boy, but does he get frustrated. There is so much anger in this child, that I really don't know how we can control it.
He is so low on self esteem - as from what I heard today from his teacher - I have no idea how I am going to sort this out....But like everything in life  - I will make a plan. ;-)
He then throws a tantrum telling me how he hates life - If only we could really understand the pressures that a child is under. We think we have problems. but with maturity we grow and are better equipped - how does an eight year old deal with things that they don't understand...
There are times as a parent that I feel so inadequate. If only there was more that I could do. But as I understand - times have changes, life has become harder and there is so much more for kids to contend with - or am I just over -protective ?

New Year - New Challenges

Wow so we are already almost finished January and I promised my sister (well not biological - for those who know), that I would join her in blogging more often as a New Years resolution - so here I am - Nat do you even have a blog site ???
2011 was a terrible year for me. I suppose it started off terribly with xxx (we wont say it - I promised in the last blog entry), but then got from bad to worse, with financial constraints,  my 'areas of selling' being restricted in Fine and Country and to top it all the medical issues that Craig and I had to deal with in regard to his Neck Fusion and the the implications arising thereto....For these reasons - I was more than happy to start the new year on a fresh slate.....
Well how 'fresh' is FRESH - Second week in January and Craig is back in hospital. A week of tests and finally conclude that now we have to content with more issues relating to his drunken motorcar accident of 23 years ago.... a Trachea that is collapsing due to the previous tracheotomy. So my nerves are constantly on edge, I don't sleep properly and am exhausted. I cringe every time he coughs.. waiting for the spell to be over and that he can get his breathe back normally.
I was so looking forward to school starting this week so that I could buckle down and concentrate on my business, but that too has brought more challengers with the amount of time I spend driving, dropping off and then getting back to my new set up home office - the company I have moved to "Realnet' - Constantia Ridge, does not have the facilities available for me to 'park off' in the office for the day and do what I am used to doing and need to do. So motivation is a huge issue for me at the moment - last resort - put all the feelings in a blog and hope for the best..... (can't afford a shrink - not that they would be able to tell me any thing that I don't already know - but just cant get down to doing)
Well now that i have wasted more time - lets see if I can at least be productive for the next 30 minutes before I have to leave to go and fetch kids again... This mornings round trip took me 3 hours of driving... I really have to make a plan !!!

Moving On

So much has been happening lately, but I really need to put the whole "Wendy Machanik Properties" saga behind me and move forward. Too much time and energy has been spent on the hashing of what happened to us agents and to the lack of cash flow. This situation has totally taken me out of my comfort zone as I have never felt so dependent or trapped before in my life.
To feel so financially cash strapped is so scary - hell I am angry with myself for allowing myself to be put in this situation.
A new opportunity has perhaps arisen, but do I take the plunge and another chance... just not sure whether I am strong enough to carry this on my shoulders...
So onward and upward.... If we ever get the money that she owes us....good - if not - put it down to experience... Hopefully this is the last on this subject.....

About me...

While trying to create this blog profile, the question is asked - who are you? . about me.
Well who am I? Am I the person that I see myself as or am I the person that others see me as?.
So many people have different opinions of who we are.  Through different eyes, different images are percieved.
I am seen as a mother by both my children, but am seen differently by each one. My 7 year old son, Sheldon, sees me as his whole world, his idol and his future. On the other hand my 18 year old daughter, Christine, sees me in a different light. She sees me as an ally in some cases, and as an over protective, interferring pain five minutes later.
My mom sees me as a 5 year old child in some cases and a provider, fixer-upper, miracle worker in other cases.
Craig, although we have been together for almost 11 years (with a couple of months wake-up break for him), has yet to really tell me how he sees me. I know he loves me deeply, will never totally open up and let his guard down.
Graeme, my remaining brother, I believe, sees me as a strong, competent individual - although sometimes it is extremely difficult to keep up that facade.
I suppose most importantly, the question is who do I believe that I am. Horror of all horrors... but in all honesty I am actually an extremely vulnerable individual with a low self esteem and lacking self confidence. It is because of all the above people who depend on me, that I have the stamina and strength  to keep going. I have to motivate myself daily to put on a brave face, and tackle the world.

The person my collegues and clients see is a confident, intelligent yet slightly introvert professional.